Four years and counting...

As the Pink Ribbons abound and people everywhere have a heightened sense of awareness about Breast Cancer during the month of October. I'm reminded too, that I was once on the other side of survival. My initial diagnosis was in January 2010 and boy oh boy was that a true shocker. I won't rehash the past, but I'm here to say and remind people - those fearless women, the countless number of families who have to endure and go through this painful ordeal - that you too, can end up on the #WinningSide. I had a conversation today with my husband over lunch about how it seems surreal that I had 12 rounds of chemotherapy, 12 months of Herceptin and many shots, blood draws, sleepless nights and so much pain just moving around. But I'm still here, and I'm healthy and well. My levels are good, I'm working out, my body is healing, I can even feel the slightest touch in my breast...

But my badge of honor doesn't come from the scars on my body that I see daily when I look in the mirror, or from my memory of my road to survivor - my badge of honor comes from being a voice and advocate for those who will go through, are currently going through, and to be a support for the families and friends of loved ones who have succumbed.

In the spirit of awareness this month, I dusted off the link to the blog and decided today was the day to write. Hey, I may even read the entries from my past. But know this, four and a half years ago my life was forever changed and I can honestly say that I am healed and Cancer Free!! I am also very grateful for the love, support and amazing outcomes from my healthcare professionals. Get your mammograms ladies; men encourage your wife, daughter, mother and sisters to get checked!! Early detection truly does save lives.

Grace and Peace
Tish

Officially Over... to a certain degree

Greetings,

For the first time in months, I'm inspired to write. I guess that is because I'm in a good place. Not to say that I wasn't before because you all know that I was on the mend, back to work and then of course the big move. But even in the midst of all of those adventures - we did the cross country trip twice - I just didn't have the desire to get on and shout it off from the roof tops about how much fun we were having, or how my body was feeling post chemo and surgery, or how gracious I am for the friends, co-workers, family and even strangers who I met along the way.

Perhaps I just didn't think anyone was still interested in reading about my trials - but then over the past two weeks or so, I have learned of at least three other women that are in someway connected to me through a mutual friend, a family member or neighbors mother who is currently dealing with breast cancer. It is almost like I don't want to say the word anymore.

I'm a Survivor! I kicked cancers BUTT - but am I the norm? I'm learning through talking to others that not everyone is accepting of the facts before them. Some women are in denial - others angry at the world. Mad at God. But me on the other hand, I just accepted this as another stop along my journey in life. As the old saints say, "this too shall pass!"  And it did. Just that. It passed.

I am reminded though of my decision to have my breast completely removed each time I look in the mirror. However, I had new ones made - amazing still - and I don't feel any less of a woman. I realize that alot of what we deal with is psychological and I guess I'm one of the lucky sane ones who don't let the imperfections of life make me crazy. 

It is time to encourage again. To stand tall and sing from the depths of my soul, the song of Rejoice and Remarkableness (I just made that up) - God is so good to those who love Him in spirit and in truth and I can honestly say, that my peace and my joy is rooted in His goodness.

If you don't have that personal relationship with God - you are truly missing out on the marvels and wonders that come from knowing Him for yourself. Not what your mother or pastor has told you, but really being able to have that special connection that is just as informal as going to the park with your kids. That simple!

Life is grand right now. I truly am grateful for my friends and co-workers who blessed me tremendously. My loving parents who support me. My awesome children who are both getting smarter by the minute, and the best husband a woman could ask for.

I start with a new Oncologist on Monday. I have over four years left to take the Tamoxifen and once that is over I'm done with Cancer. I asked my doctor was I in remission and she provided me with the best possible answer I could receive (gotta love her). She said no you are NOT IN REMISSION. You are CANCER FREE! Remission means there is a possibility or likelihood that it [cancer] will return. Your cancer is all out of your body!

Hallelujah! I'm cancer Free! One of my besties bought me a shirt last year for my birthday that said "This Survivor Kicked Cancer's Butt" - I don't know if she really understood the impact that saying would have on my life.

I'm forever grateful to her - and to all of you who have loved and supported me on this journey...

Peace and Blessings!

Tish
@IamMsTish - twitter
www.facebook.com/Iammstish

Thankful: A Brand New Meaning

Today, Thursday, November 25th, 2010 I have a whole new meaning for Thanksgiving. As you know this year has been a very tumultuous one. However, I strongly believe and know without a shadow of doubt. God will NOT put more on you than you can bear. What exactly does that mean (especially to some of the not so grounded in faith people I know)? - I don't mean non-believers, I just mean the foundation isn't as solid as mine. Not that it can't be... but I digress.

Back to what I'm saying about God not putting more on you than one can bear... My interpretation would be this... Here goes: When we grow in our faith, God takes us from Glory to Glory. The more we worship HIM, and get stronger in our faith walk, the more the enemy tries to attack you and bring grief to your precious life. Those in the world who don't have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, often don't know how to call on Jesus when faced with trials and tribulations.

The way we handle these challenges; which can be anything from loosing a job to being diagnosed with a life-threatening disease like cancer, can often determine the outcomes. For example, when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in the beginning of January of this year, I immediately submitted and said, not my will Lord, but your will for me. The nurses taking my second mammogram and scheduling the ultrasound and biopsy were in awe. One even asked me "How are you taking this possible news of breast cancer so calmly?"  My reply was simple. I told the nurse, that I serve an awesome God and He won't put more on me than I can bear.

That was over 11 months ago; and I'm here today, on Thanksgiving night of the same year expressing how truly grateful and thankful I am for my Life!! From the very start I was optimistic about the outcomes, and I made it clear to my family, friends and of course Jesus Christ my Lord and Saviour that I was willing and able to go through this Journey to be a living testimony of how with Faith, ALL things are possible. I'm a living testimony of His Goodness and Mercy and how having the right attitude towards something that is supposed to break you down, can have a positive outcome and be a lesson learned.

I'm thankful for that moment of time that I had to make a choice between dealing with my diagnosis with a positive attitude or claiming sickness and despair. I know without a shadow of doubt that I took the right approach, because today... most people wouldn't even know that I have been through two surgeries, chemotherapy for six months, and a total radical mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. Although, I'm just feeling up to being out and about without restrictions; i know it could be worse. Or even more worse, I could be on the other side of life.

I'm thankful for my parents who have been with me every step of the way. My wonderful Husband, and my precious Children who, even at their age, knew that mommy had cancer and were constantly praying for mommy. My son even kissed and still does kiss to this day, my "owies," ~ so that they can feel better and mommy can heal! How awesome is that??? They know [my children] how to pray and lift mommy up in the Lord. That is why I'm so thankful for this day.

We opted for a non-traditional Thanksgiving celebration and went out to dinner for buffet. It was my first time since I can remember as a child, going out to dinner instead of having a home cooked meal. Don't get me wrong, we had lots of invitations, and even a few homemade dishes made for us. We are truly blessed to be surrounded by people who love us, and care for us unconditionally.

The word says;
Enter into His gates with Thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise. Psalm 100:4

I am constantly entering into the Lord's presence with Thanksgiving in my heart and mind, for all that I have to live for. And His praises are continuously in my mouth. Hallelujah, glory to God! I'm here to tell you that no matter what is meant for harm, can be turned into good with God on your side.  I never once thought that breast cancer was an attack on my life, or things that I have done in my life. But I had Faith that God has me going through, to bring me out, in order for me to share his abundant unconditional Love for his children.

Grace and Peace
LaTishia

Thought: don't give up, and know that if you want to know what GOD can do for you... just ask Him to show you.

Here is a snapshot of me today. I ditched the hats and head scarfs. Look at what Restoration looks like... Glory!

I Saw A Familiar Face in the MIRROR Today!!!

Wow, so much has happened since my last blog entry on September 7th. Let's start in order of my memory, which by the way may be very scattered. So prepare yourself for this read, it may flow, it may not. But my excuse for many months to come will be blame it on the "chemo brain." Which by the way, is an actual medical term because chemotherapy alters so much of our natural and existing cell composition when attacking the "bad" cancer cells. So my mind gets a little cloudy, I often say things in reverse order (old age you have to wait a while before you can claim these things) and will even stumble a bit on what I'm trying to get out. Drawing a blank even makes you sometimes wonder are you losing it... but no. I'm still here ALIVE and well and kicking.

September was a busy month for me and the family. I went to work part-time and continued with my herceptin infusions. I had several pre-operation visits over the past few weeks and my weekly journey to UCSF will continue for months to come.

My babygirl, miss Lauryn turned six on the 29th and we had a birthday party for her with family and a few close friends and her best friend from school. It was really a nice day for her and she anticipated it for weeks. I guess I'm teaching her early the importance and what a blessing it is to be "Celebrated."

Here is a picture of the reigning princess of the Futrell Family along with her brother Landon.

Lauryn Rose Futrell - Age 6

Once we finished the party it was on to more important things. Such as me getting the children prepared for my five day hiatus from being there as  mommy. Good thing Lawrence and I have established great relationships over the years. My mother and a few close friends jumped right in and handled the business of being there for my precious angels, whilst mommy was away getting well, and all fixed up!  I truly am grateful for the family and friends who I trust and love to be here for us at such a time as this.

On Tuesday, October 5th, 2010 we arrived at UCSF Mt. Zion campus at 6:00 a.m. to get me checked in for surgery. The week prior I had all of my labs completed, met the anesthesiologist, prepare division handed me a binder of paperwork to review and complete, and I had a CT Scan. What a busy and hectic schedule, all in the midst of still finalizing multiple assignments to keep things "moving" back in the Marketing Department at my place of employment. It wasn't an easy undertaking, but throughout each and every day, I just knew I was one step closer to the last chapters of this journey, and my FAITH in GOD was seeing me through.

 The children were secured already. I made sure my bags were packed (complete waste of time because you don't wear anything but that silly hospital gown), the alarm was set, and I swear I drank everything (non-alcholic) that I could find in my fridge before midnight, just because. The rules were do not eat or drink after midnight the night before surgery. I had developed a a mild headache ~ which is rare for me. So I took a Tylenol (there was only one in the bottle left). The only drugs or supplements they allow two weeks prior to surgery is Tylenol, and up until that night at 11:00 p.m., I didn't need anything. Just one of those things I guess. Probably anxiety and psychological, because I don't usually take Tylenol, I prefer Ibuprofen. Anywhoo... The morning of the surgery, we left our home at 4:00 a.m. to arrive in SF by 6:00 a.m. (Lawrence is a real stickler for being on time, quite the opposite for me). Honestly, I don't think that I even went to sleep that morning at all. The last time that I looked at the clock it was nearing 1:00 a.m, and when the alarm went off at 3:00 a.m, it just seemed like I was awake the whole time.

My thought was, hey it's a 8 to 10 hour surgery, I have plenty of time to sleep. I said my prayers, and I went to bed. Now back to my arrival, the surgery was scheduled at 7:30 a.m. and I had to check-in at 6:00 a.m. for all of the pre-op stuff. I saw my name on the surgery board, and they had it with an S not an F. I immediately notified the nurse and she double checked the paperwork and then apologized and made the correction. We laughed, and I said maybe there is another woman who is ready to get her boobs removed and replaced waiting, and I can go home. They checked my ID with a few personal questions and I was off to the pre surgery room. I truly believe Lawrence was more nervous than I, but he was very cool, calm and collected. Like clockwork, they all started coming in. First get undressed, take vitals, ask a kazillion questions and then relax and just wait. My surgical team came in like clockwork to say good morning, and then down to the business - make markings on my body where the incisions would be made.

Then nurses came in and set me up with IV's for the anesthesia and before you know it they were wheeling me off to surgery. The last thing I remembered was the fluid going into the IV, and I started talking very slowly... I glanced up at the clock which read 7:20 a.m. ~ talking about PROMPT!  When I woke up, I was in recovery in ICU and Lawrence was standing by my side. It was after 8:30 p.m., which meant surgery lasted over twelve long hours.  I tried to move, but my entire body was frozen. I wiggled my feet ~ and when they moved. I knew then, everything was okay. My mouth was extremely dry and I needed chap stick or ice, or juice or something WET!!! I barked at Lawrence and the nurses, to get me something, and then recalled the notes before surgery. Your mouth and throat will be dry from the tube that was in place during surgery. Ohhh yeah, calm down Tish, it's okay. You made it, you survived. God saw you through this operation and you are going to be just fine. So the nurse got these suction things that they dip in ice water and allowed me to kind of swallow/suck on them to wet my mouth. That is such a crazy feeling I'll tell you. They did this for the rest of the night because I wasn't allowed any fluids.

Lawrence left about 10:30 p.m. that night, and I was off to lala land ~ serious sleep.  It's now 2:00 a.m. I was wide awake listening to some sort of Doppler sound. My ICU nurse is just moving rapidly all around the room with the bright lights on... What the?? She started talking to me as I looked at her, like lady what are you doing? Albeit, she was very nice and sincere, she drove me nuts. Too chatty at 2:00 a.m. And since she was the night nurse from 7pm to 7am I had her for my first two nights in ICU. I asked for water, she said no, just ice chips again... so I sucked on that darn colorful thing to give me some kind of fluids. Then when I took my meds, I was able to get a real gulp of liquid. Thank goodness!!! By the second night, when she came into my room after midnight to do vitals, she would throw a towel over my eyes and say keep your eyes closed. I can only laugh out loud now, but at that moment, I wanted to seriously hurt her.

The next morning, I woke up sore, but I could feel my entire body which seemed to be numb from my chest down to my waist. The nurses started coming, and then my surgical team all paid me visits at separate intervals. I was on a liquid diet, and so very thankful for that. I sat up in the bed, looked around at the scenery ~ I actually had a room with a view, and it was an absolutely beautiful day in San Francisco. I love the 'rolling clouds' and my room was in the corner. There were wall to wall windows on two sides. My husband arrived, followed by my mother and aunt an hour or so later. Everyone was happy to see me and said I looked good. Really? Look good... well I didn't feel so hot. The two days in ICU followed by three days in a regular room were not bad at all. They treated me very well, and I had visitors on each day until my departure on Sunday afternoon. The nurses were all great. They helped me stand up, move around and even walk the halls and get my body moving.

Today has now been four days since coming home. Although I've received all of the calls, well wishes, food, company etc. I still was not feeling like myself. I guess having cancer and major surgery can have that affect on you...

So today when Lawrence was running errands I pulled myself out of bed and decided I would move around. I emptied my drains. Then I began just looking at myself in the mirror... hmmm I've got eyebrows today. Wow! That's a surprise... just a few days ago there was just a shadow. My hair is filling in on the top... Whew, what a relief. For a while I didn't think the top or back was going to grow. I would have to rock a George Jefferson for a while... but slowly but surely it's coming back in. I even brushed it today. Now it's time for some new diggs... I maneuvered to my drawer and pulled out some fresh lounge pants and a tank top. After getting all cleaned up I worked my way into my fresh clothes, looked in the mirror and smiled.

It was me, LaTishia Rene Futrell ~ the one and only. There had been some times when I would avoid looking in the mirror, because I just didn't feel like it was me on the other side. But today, I was there. I felt myself looking back at me. Beautiful me: Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Aunt and Girlfriend to some very special ladies and gents.

As women, we deal with a lot of insecurities as it relates to our self-image, and the image that we believe other people see when they look at us. Regardless of how bubbly your personality may be, or how fine a car you drive, or the fashionista you are ~ we still have to be able to like what we see when we look in the mirror. Today, I liked what I saw... and I'm looking forward to each day and the changes that will come along with it. Don't get me wrong, I won't be anal about how many hairs are on my head... but as long as my smile and vision of me, how GOD made me to be is still that reflection. I'm going to be Alright!!!

Here are some photos of me over the recent months... I've enjoyed myself as best I could under the circumstances.

This was over labor day ~ No make up, no scarf.



Same weekend, with my eyebrows painted on, and fashionable scarf!

Landon, Abby, Lauryn and Me at her Party.

The next time you see pictures, it will be post-operation.

Grace and Peace,

Tish



In Due Season

There is an old saying that "Time Heals all things." After pondering that idea for a few moments, I wondered if what they really meant is this... after a while, that little thing that was bugging you will no longer. So maybe it isn't really healed, but you just eventually got over it in time. You know, the season for moaning and groaning about something that you have no control over has arrived. You don't care anymore, it doesn't bother you, or maybe, just maybe it doesn't even matter.

For instance ~ the last time I blogged that darn "n" key was out of whack and all over the place. Well I was determined to write on my blog anyway and kept typing away using the crooked N key... and all of a sudden I heard a snap... like BAM!!! It just popped into place. And now, you would never know the N was all whacked out. I guess if I would have kept on harping on it... it would have continued to annoy the beejebeez out of me (not a bad thing, because the heebee jebeez drive me nuts).... but because I acted as if the problem didn't exist it somehow corrected itself.

I believe that life can be similar in some instances. The little (or major) things that annoy us sometimes can often be attributed to our own issues and not that of someone else. So when you decide, you know make up your mind, that you are no longer going to allow something or someone to have that negative effect/affect on your life... you take away it's power and then it no longer bothers you.

That N just snapped into place, because I acted as if the problem wasn't there... repeat line I know. But you see, just like with the numbness in my fingers and toes (especially my feet) from the Taxol chemo.... WOW you are talking some serious mind blowing feeling in your feet. But what I learned to do was ignore it as often as I could. When I stop and curl up my feet, or start massaging my hands & feet ~ the pain is there. However, when I'm going about my day and night, and have so much else to think about and channel my energy to - I don't think about my numbness. It almost dissipates... but then once I began to think... hmmm maybe it's starting to go away for good. The pain and tingling are right there! in my face (well not literally) but it's there, I feel it, and the pain connects with my brain again and I am now focused on it.

I thank God for my ability to channel my thoughts other places and on other things, because I truly believe this is what has kept me upbeat throughout this trial with cancer. It's a minor trial and some slight tribulation, but nothing I couldn't give to God and just let go of. I could have felt sorry for myself, and allowed every slightest pain and nausea cause me to go down and out... but I continued to think happy thoughts, sing happy songs, and just be happy. The flipside of going through this would be what???? Hello... if that isn't enough to rejoice and be glad about, I don't know what is.

Peace and Grace