My Faith Walk: 10/10/10

Wow, so much has happened since my last blog entry on September 7th. Let's start in order of my memory, which by the way may be very scattered. So prepare yourself for this read, it may flow, it may not. But my excuse for many months to come will be blame it on the "chemo brain." Which by the way, is an actual medical term because chemotherapy alters so much of our natural and existing cell composition when attacking the "bad" cancer cells. So my mind gets a little cloudy, I often say things in reverse order (old age you have to wait a while before you can claim these things) and will even stumble a bit on what I'm trying to get out. Drawing a blank even makes you sometimes wonder are you losing it... but no. I'm still here ALIVE and well and kicking.

September was a busy month for me and the family. I went to work part-time and continued with my herceptin infusions. I had several pre-operation visits over the past few weeks and my weekly journey to UCSF will continue for months to come.

My babygirl, miss Lauryn turned six on the 29th and we had a birthday party for her with family and a few close friends and her best friend from school. It was really a nice day for her and she anticipated it for weeks. I guess I'm teaching her early the importance and what a blessing it is to be "Celebrated."

Here is a picture of the reigning princess of the Futrell Family along with her brother Landon.

Lauryn Rose Futrell - Age 6

Once we finished the party it was on to more important things. Such as me getting the children prepared for my five day hiatus from being there as mommy. Good thing Lawrence and I have established great relationships over the years. My mother and a few close friends jumped right in and handled the business of being there for my precious angels, whilst mommy was away getting well, and all fixed up! I truly am grateful for the family and friends who I trust and love to be here for us at such a time as this.

On Tuesday, October 5th, 2010 we arrived at UCSF Mt. Zion campus at 6:00 a.m. to get me checked in for surgery. The week prior I had all of my labs completed, met the anesthesiologist, prepare division handed me a binder of paperwork to review and complete, and I had a CT Scan. What a busy and hectic schedule, all in the midst of still finalizing multiple assignments to keep things "moving" back in the Marketing Department at my place of employment. It wasn't an easy undertaking, but throughout each and every day, I just knew I was one step closer to the last chapters of this journey, and my FAITH in GOD was seeing me through.

The children were secured already. I made sure my bags were packed (complete waste of time because you don't wear anything but that silly hospital gown), the alarm was set, and I swear I drank everything (non-alcholic) that I could find in my fridge before midnight, just because. The rules were do not eat or drink after midnight the night before surgery. I had developed a a mild headache ~ which is rare for me. So I took a Tylenol (there was only one in the bottle left). The only drugs or supplements they allow two weeks prior to surgery is Tylenol, and up until that night at 11:00 p.m., I didn't need anything. Just one of those things I guess. Probably anxiety and psychological, because I don't usually take Tylenol, I prefer Ibuprofen. Anywhoo... The morning of the surgery, we left our home at 4:00 a.m. to arrive in SF by 6:00 a.m. (Lawrence is a real stickler for being on time, quite the opposite for me). Honestly, I don't think that I even went to sleep that morning at all. The last time that I looked at the clock it was nearing 1:00 a.m, and when the alarm went off at 3:00 a.m, it just seemed like I was awake the whole time.

My thought was, hey it's a 8 to 10 hour surgery, I have plenty of time to sleep. I said my prayers, and I went to bed. Now back to my arrival, the surgery was scheduled at 7:30 a.m. and I had to check-in at 6:00 a.m. for all of the pre-op stuff. I saw my name on the surgery board, and they had it with an S not an F. I immediately notified the nurse and she double checked the paperwork and then apologized and made the correction. We laughed, and I said maybe there is another woman who is ready to get her boobs removed and replaced waiting, and I can go home. They checked my ID with a few personal questions and I was off to the pre surgery room. I truly believe Lawrence was more nervous than I, but he was very cool, calm and collected. Like clockwork, they all started coming in. First get undressed, take vitals, ask a kazillion questions and then relax and just wait. My surgical team came in like clockwork to say good morning, and then down to the business - make markings on my body where the incisions would be made.

Then nurses came in and set me up with IV's for the anesthesia and before you know it they were wheeling me off to surgery. The last thing I remembered was the fluid going into the IV, and I started talking very slowly... I glanced up at the clock which read 7:20 a.m. ~ talking about PROMPT! When I woke up, I was in recovery in ICU and Lawrence was standing by my side. It was after 8:30 p.m., which meant surgery lasted over twelve long hours. I tried to move, but my entire body was frozen. I wiggled my feet ~ and when they moved. I knew then, everything was okay. My mouth was extremely dry and I needed chap stick or ice, or juice or something WET!!! I barked at Lawrence and the nurses, to get me something, and then recalled the notes before surgery. Your mouth and throat will be dry from the tube that was in place during surgery. Ohhh yeah, calm down Tish, it's okay. You made it, you survived. God saw you through this operation and you are going to be just fine. So the nurse got these suction things that they dip in ice water and allowed me to kind of swallow/suck on them to wet my mouth. That is such a crazy feeling I'll tell you. They did this for the rest of the night because I wasn't allowed any fluids.

Lawrence left about 10:30 p.m. that night, and I was off to lala land ~ serious sleep. It's now 2:00 a.m. I was wide awake listening to some sort of Doppler sound. My ICU nurse is just moving rapidly all around the room with the bright lights on... What the?? She started talking to me as I looked at her, like lady what are you doing? Albeit, she was very nice and sincere, she drove me nuts. Too chatty at 2:00 a.m. And since she was the night nurse from 7pm to 7am I had her for my first two nights in ICU. I asked for water, she said no, just ice chips again... so I sucked on that darn colorful thing to give me some kind of fluids. Then when I took my meds, I was able to get a real gulp of liquid. Thank goodness!!! By the second night, when she came into my room after midnight to do vitals, she would throw a towel over my eyes and say keep your eyes closed. I can only laugh out loud now, but at that moment, I wanted to seriously hurt her.

The next morning, I woke up sore, but I could feel my entire body which seemed to be numb from my chest down to my waist. The nurses started coming, and then my surgical team all paid me visits at separate intervals. I was on a liquid diet, and so very thankful for that. I sat up in the bed, looked around at the scenery ~ I actually had a room with a view, and it was an absolutely beautiful day in San Francisco. I love the 'rolling clouds' and my room was in the corner. There were wall to wall windows on two sides. My husband arrived, followed by my mother and aunt an hour or so later. Everyone was happy to see me and said I looked good. Really? Look good... well I didn't feel so hot. The two days in ICU followed by three days in a regular room were not bad at all. They treated me very well, and I had visitors on each day until my departure on Sunday afternoon. The nurses were all great. They helped me stand up, move around and even walk the halls and get my body moving.

Today has now been four days since coming home. Although I've received all of the calls, well wishes, food, company etc. I still was not feeling like myself. I guess having cancer and major surgery can have that affect on you...

So today when Lawrence was running errands I pulled myself out of bed and decided I would move around. I emptied my drains. Then I began just looking at myself in the mirror... hmmm I've got eyebrows today. Wow! That's a surprise... just a few days ago there was just a shadow. My hair is filling in on the top... Whew, what a relief. For a while I didn't think the top or back was going to grow. I would have to rock a George Jefferson for a while... but slowly but surely it's coming back in. I even brushed it today. Now it's time for some new diggs... I maneuvered to my drawer and pulled out some fresh lounge pants and a tank top. After getting all cleaned up I worked my way into my fresh clothes, looked in the mirror and smiled.

It was me, LaTishia Rene Futrell ~ the one and only. There had been some times when I would avoid looking in the mirror, because I just didn't feel like it was me on the other side. But today, I was there. I felt myself looking back at me. Beautiful me: Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Aunt and Girlfriend to some very special ladies and gents.

As women, we deal with a lot of insecurities as it relates to our self-image, and the image that we believe other people see when they look at us. Regardless of how bubbly your personality may be, or how fine a car you drive, or the fashionista you are ~ we still have to be able to like what we see when we look in the mirror. Today, I liked what I saw... and I'm looking forward to each day and the changes that will come along with it. Don't get me wrong, I won't be anal about how many hairs are on my head... but as long as my smile and vision of me, how GOD made me to be is still that reflection. I'm going to be Alright!!!

Here are some photos of me over the recent months... I've enjoyed myself as best I could under the circumstances.